Philosophers agree that the concept of “regret” is one of the most intense feelings we can experience. Whether it’s productive or useful is up for debate…but let’s make it useful for today’s purpose. Let’s also start with two quotes from Nietzsche and Thoreau. Nietzsche said that regret was “adding to the first act of stupidity, a second”. Thoreau, on the other, hand praised the power of regret: “Make the most of your regrets. Never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it until it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh”.
Today is Memorial day, 2020, and because of the powerful influence they had on my life, thoughts of my grandparents always pop into my head. My Grandfather grew up in the height of the great depression. Soon after the attack on Pearl Harbor, he enlisted in the Navy and flew 33 missions over the North Atlantic as Navigator on a B-24. He was shot down 3 times while providing protection to Liberty ships from enemy submarines. He did his job with bravery and excellence, completing his extraordinary WWII adventure by flying air cover over the English Channel during D-Day. He was awarded several medals for his distinguished service.
As he was preparing to return home, he received conflicting orders to report to the Aleutian Islands. He immediately flew to Washington, waiting for days for an opportunity to speak to command and clear up the error. You see, he had promised to return home and marry his sweetheart. His patience and persistence paid off and in 1944, they were married in San Jose. They raised three children, and together, built successful small businesses in the South Bay that provided financial security and opportunity for their extended family and for countless others.
Grandparents often have an amazing way of teaching us what to do and how to behave without saying a word. Often by exemplifying best versions of ourselves, grandparents can demonstrate the interesting concept of moving regrets in front of our decisions.
They saved, sacrificed so many “in the moment” pleasures that we all seem to find so hard to deny ourselves in our present-day culture, that’s if we stop and think about it for a moment, it’s actually inspirational. So, what’s this concept of moving regrets in front of our decisions? And how does it tie into our elder’s generation and what they did during hard times like the present day?
The problem isn’t so much whether regret is an unproductive emotion, it’s more that regret occurs after the fact instead of before. As Nietzsche points out, regret can do nothing to change what has already happened. Why wallow in remorse for something which we no longer have any control? But what if regret occurred before a decision was made instead of after? The experience of imagining regret might get us to change a decision to one with a better outcome. Then we could embrace Thoreau’s view and harness the power of regret because it would serve a valuable purpose. It would be helpful then if we could get regret to do some time travel to the future. Moving regret to before our decisions instead of after them. That way, our future regret would be like our future selves going back in time, and meeting our younger, less wise selves, and shaking us awake.
When we think about the retirement savings shortfall in our country, there is no doubt that many of the future retired versions of ourselves are going to regret the financial decisions that our younger selves did or didn’t make – until after it is too late to fix it.
Perhaps our grandparents and forefathers thought about this concept of regret much more than we do today. Perhaps they were more careful in their daily decisions because they didn’t have a limitless Federal Reserve, Social Security, Medicare and advanced medicine, or the strongest military in all of history behind us. These amazing things are part of their legacy.
We oftentimes see grandparents that have saved diligently and have amassed a healthy savings. A phrase I’d hear spoken by my grandparents from time to time was: “don’t do something you’re going to regret later”.
How wise and thoughtful this phrase is now that we consider it more deeply. Let’s decide to think about how we can honor them this Memorial Day by moving regret in front of our decisions and making better present-day decisions.
